Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Miss Tony

My wonderful, awesome brother passed away a little over a month ago and it is now just hitting me. Does this make me a bad person that it took me a month to cry and mourn? I miss him soooooo much and I can't even begin to explain the pain my heart is feeling these days. I just continue to go on and pretend that my heart isn't breaking but when I am alone all I do is cry. I hate myself for not being there when he passed away. I was with him for five weeks before he passed away and I know I should hold on to that but I just can't. I was suppose to be there the day before he passed away but I had a Young Womens activity that I felt like I needed to be at so I stayed an extra day. Then I decided I would go up on friday and he passed away on Thursday. I know that thinking about it won't change the way things happened. But when I kissed his little bald forehead the day I left (five days before he passed away) I told him I would be back in a couple of days and he said "ok, don't stay away too long". I was gone one day too long..... But I do know that he was protecting me probably and didn't want me to see him get worse. But it doesn't make the pain any better. I miss him so much. I miss the random phonecalls we would make, I miss his advice (which he would give only if I asked-which made him a great listener), I miss him laughing at me, I miss everything. I wish I had called him more during the past 15 months.
Tony was the best brother anyone could have asked for. We never fought. I can say that honestly. He was always there for me. If someone ever hurt my feelings, he would have my back. I am scared to be the only child left here on this earth now. I want to see him. I want to feel his presence. I know that he could let me feel his presence if he wanted to. 
I am just carrying on with life in hopes that it will get better and maybe if I just smile all the time I will feel better. I don't want to be a whiney person and cry all the time around people so I just hold it all in until I am alone. I have to be strong for those around me. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people that I am hurting, but that just isn't me. I have to help my mom and dad through this hard time.
I am so thankful for the opportunity I got to serve him the last five weeks of his life. We spent a lot of time together. My favorite times were when it was just him and I at his house and I could lay on the bed next to him and hold his hand while he slept. I loved that when he needed something and he couldn't see me, he would ask my parents to go "get my sister". He felt comfortable with me helping and I know that he knew I was there. I loved helping him up the stairs. I loved watching him speak at his school for the last time and seeing the great tribute they set up in his name. What a guy. I love him and miss him terribly. I am blessed with the knowledge that we are an eternal family. I am so greatful for that. I know that his spirit is here with me. I know that he loves me and I hope he knows how much I love him.