Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Miss Tony

My wonderful, awesome brother passed away a little over a month ago and it is now just hitting me. Does this make me a bad person that it took me a month to cry and mourn? I miss him soooooo much and I can't even begin to explain the pain my heart is feeling these days. I just continue to go on and pretend that my heart isn't breaking but when I am alone all I do is cry. I hate myself for not being there when he passed away. I was with him for five weeks before he passed away and I know I should hold on to that but I just can't. I was suppose to be there the day before he passed away but I had a Young Womens activity that I felt like I needed to be at so I stayed an extra day. Then I decided I would go up on friday and he passed away on Thursday. I know that thinking about it won't change the way things happened. But when I kissed his little bald forehead the day I left (five days before he passed away) I told him I would be back in a couple of days and he said "ok, don't stay away too long". I was gone one day too long..... But I do know that he was protecting me probably and didn't want me to see him get worse. But it doesn't make the pain any better. I miss him so much. I miss the random phonecalls we would make, I miss his advice (which he would give only if I asked-which made him a great listener), I miss him laughing at me, I miss everything. I wish I had called him more during the past 15 months.
Tony was the best brother anyone could have asked for. We never fought. I can say that honestly. He was always there for me. If someone ever hurt my feelings, he would have my back. I am scared to be the only child left here on this earth now. I want to see him. I want to feel his presence. I know that he could let me feel his presence if he wanted to. 
I am just carrying on with life in hopes that it will get better and maybe if I just smile all the time I will feel better. I don't want to be a whiney person and cry all the time around people so I just hold it all in until I am alone. I have to be strong for those around me. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people that I am hurting, but that just isn't me. I have to help my mom and dad through this hard time.
I am so thankful for the opportunity I got to serve him the last five weeks of his life. We spent a lot of time together. My favorite times were when it was just him and I at his house and I could lay on the bed next to him and hold his hand while he slept. I loved that when he needed something and he couldn't see me, he would ask my parents to go "get my sister". He felt comfortable with me helping and I know that he knew I was there. I loved helping him up the stairs. I loved watching him speak at his school for the last time and seeing the great tribute they set up in his name. What a guy. I love him and miss him terribly. I am blessed with the knowledge that we are an eternal family. I am so greatful for that. I know that his spirit is here with me. I know that he loves me and I hope he knows how much I love him.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I Have Been Forced To Eat My Words

If you would have told me two weeks ago that I would like the St. George Pool I would have laughed my guts out. For the 12 years we have lived here I haven't ever taken my kids to this pool because it looked, well.....to put it nicely.....a little rugged and spooky. I thought it would be dirty, grose, and not appealing at all. A couple of weeks ago we had a Beehive Super Activity and my advisor and very good friend Melanie suggested we take the girls to this pool. She went on and on about how nice it is and how it has a kiddie pool for the little kids and the older kids love the hydrotube. I looked at her like she had lost her marbles. I didn't want to take my kids to this pool let alone other peoples kids. But she is the boss, so she won and we took the girls there.

(this is where I swallow a lump of pride soup) It is the BEST pool ever! So today I met Melanie and Amy and their kids and we visited while they played. Bay and Logan both brought friends so they were entertained while I was at the kiddie pool with Mia. In fact, I stayed an extra hour and half after Mel and Amy watched Mia splash and swim her little heart out. What a great day!!

The Three Muskeeters playing Ring around the Rosies in the pool. MOST of the times these
three are really good friends. :)
 Logan really is a sweet kid. He kept on coming over to sit by me. I think
he really just wanted to make sure I was still close by....or he wanted two bucks for a sno cone!
Bay and her friend Treena. They live a couple blocks away from eachother and never play
during the school year but once summer hits, they are unseperable! They are so sweet and had a
great time swimming.

So after all that, if you are ever in St. George Utah, first give me a call, then we can go to the best kept secret in St. George!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Wanna Play Spoons?

I am not a very competitive person when it comes to playing games with other people. I am usually a good winner and a good loser. But put me in a circle with 10 other people, 3 decks of cards, and 9 spoons, things will get a little intense. Each time the circle of people got smaller and smaller after people would get out, my heart would race a little faster, my focusing ability would kick in, and before I knew it it had come down to me and a little 12 year old in the final round. Now typically I would go easy on a youngster but my insides just took me over and would NOT let me lose. I was focused, I was determined and therefore I became the SPOONS CHAMP!!! Not ONCE but TWICE.  So maybe, just maybe, I have a little competitive streak brewing inside of me waiting patiently to escape!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours

Oh Me Oh My!! This is our project for the day. SOOOO embarrasing but hey.....just keepin it real!

Friday, May 27, 2011

My Outside Girl

Who needs the splash pad or park when your girl is SUPER happy in her own backyard? Seriously she spends 90% of the daytime hours outside in the backyard playing with the dogs, on her trikes, on her little tike car, or in empty swimming pools apparently. It is only day 2 of summer and I feel like the worse mom on the block because everyone else is taking their kids here or there and everywhere and I am just hanging out at home. But I have come to the conclusion I am at an inbetween stage in my life, which is very odd. I have Logan that is 13 and is too "cool" to hang out with his mom so he runs a muck around the neighborhood, which is good because he needs to make friends. BayLee is my little social butterfly and is constantly invited places so she isn't really ever home. So, so far it is just Mia and I hanging out and reading together and playing together. Sometimes I feel bad that I am not "hanging out" with friends at the park or running the kids here or running there, but I guess if we are happy then that is what matters.
I need to learn to stop comparing myself to other moms. There isn't a "right" way or a "wrong" way, I just need to be happy and content with "my way". I did all the running running running with Logan and BayLee in summers past and I guess by the time kid three comes and your kids are four to five years apart, the need or desire kinda leaves. But as long as I can look at happy faces like this all day, then I will be happy.

Monday, January 31, 2011

First Time Snow Boarder on Board

Thanks to a very good friend, Adam and Logan were able to go up to Brian Head on Saturday and hit the slopes. Adam hadn't been since we've been married, which he had been a snowboarding instructor before then, and so he has been excited to take Logan. Logan was a "natural", as he puts it. He did such a great job and the two of them had a great day together. And in my head, that was the whole point! They left Friday evening, spent the night in Cedar, then spent all day Saturday up the mountain.

I must say he looks pretty cute (he would kill me if he knew I used that word) standing so Macho like next to the board
I couldn't believe Adam sent him on the chair alone! I guess
the instructor made them go alone. YIKES!

What would a ski trip be without a yummy lunch?
*Take note of the Tupperware Eco waterbottle :)
What a "natural". He only fell once.